Why I Shoot
Boudoir
My “Why” for Becoming Noblesville’s Boudoir Photographer
Why Boudoir Photography?
If you asked me when I fell in love with photography, just a few years ago I would have told you the tale of how I picked up a camera in high school and never put it down, how I became a mom at a young age, and how I started taking pictures of my kids and then my friend’s kids which led to building a business. But if you asked me in the last year when I fell in love with photography, my answer would be “It took me falling back in love with myself, for me to truly fall in love with photography.”
My Own Body Image Struggles
You see since I was in middle school I’ve struggled with my body. I developed much younger than other girls, and everyone took notice. And I mean everyone. Adults, peers, my siblings, relatives…even the guy at the concession stand who hit on me when I was 10 thinking I was 16. (Fortunately, he backed off when I told him how old I was). I was 10 years old with DD boobs and the confidence of a turtle running a race.
By the time I hit high school, my hormones had caught up with me, and I started gaining weight. I was never a “big girl” but compared to my friends I felt huge. When you are a size 10 and all your friends are a 2 or 4, you feel like a whale. I was insecure but hid those insecurities well, denying myself the time to think about why I felt the way I did or how I could change it!
By 21 I had been married a year, and pregnant with my first child. Three months after he was born I learned that I was a BRCA1 (breast cancer gene) carrier. My doctors encouraged me to have a double mastectomy and reconstruction, along with a hysterectomy. My second child was born at age 24. The next year I chose to proceed with the double mastectomy and reconstruction.
The culmination of all the physical changes made me feel like I didn’t know whose body I was living in. I had scars from armpit to armpit across my chest. My stomach began to hang. And I swear I could eat the crumb of a cookie and gain 10 pounds. My body was so different and foreign to me.
Then, It Got Tough
At 29, surprise, I had my 3rd child. And soon after a hysterectomy because my risk of ovarian cancer was so high with the BRCA1 gene. I felt like everything feminine about me had been taken away. I was no longer a woman.
Just two short years later I would be going through a divorce after 12 years of marriage. I had no home, no car, no job, and no way to feed my children. (How I survived that is another story). During that time, my 13 year old niece, Emma, was diagnosed with brain cancer only to pass away 3 months later. I was shattered. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know how to get through each day. I was a mess.
In the years between 31 and 41, I had my gall bladder removed, a bladder sling so I wouldn’t piss my pants when I laughed, a failed spinal fusion at L5-S1, another spinal fusion at L5-S1, a spinal stimulator placed in my back, a botched tummy tuck that left my incision open from hip to hip for 4 months. It was a grueling time in every way imaginable. And I began to resent my body for constantly being in need of something physically, and not looking the way I wanted it to.
And somewhere in the middle of that I got remarried! Trying to navigate all that while building a new life, is let’s just say overwhelming. But my amazing husband, Jeremy, spoke love over me during it all. He told me over and over again that I was worth it. That I mattered. That I have a story to share. At first I didn’t believe him but the little whispers eventually caught my attention.
My Mission: Love Myself
And throughout all of this, I was building a photography business. Not always successful but I was trying my hardest. That’s when my body physically shuts down. I started having terrible migraines, and fainting! I had 3 different stays in the hospital where they ran every test imaginable and came back with no answers. My body was broken. And I hated it.
I decided it was time to take a break. I needed to reevaluate everything I was doing with life but especially my career. I spent that time diving into self-help books, resting, and just being present. And what I discovered in that time was how to love myself. I’m not sure how it happened but one day it just clicked. I’m not going to love this life until I love myself. And so I set on a mission to love myself.
I evaluated everything in life. What fueled my fire? What WAS my passion and what IS my passion? What did I love? What did I hate? What could I change? And the biggest thing I could change was me, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I realized that I was really good at loving others, but not so good at loving myself. So I made little daily changes that led to loving myself. I started telling myself that I loved myself, and eventually, I believed it. And when I would catch myself not believing it, I would redirect my negative thoughts to positive ones. It didn’t happen overnight but I started loving myself like I had never, ever loved myself before.
And when it came to my job, I knew exactly what I needed to do. Photography. It had always been a love but now it was a passion. It’s exhilarating. It’s an adrenaline rush. I want to show women just how loved they are, right now, in the body they are in with every physical, mental, or emotional battle scar they have. I want to show them their power and their beauty. I want to help see them in ways they’ve never seen themselves. But I had to be able to see myself that way before I could help other women do the same!
So if you ask me when I fell in love with photography, I would have to be honest and tell you only just recently was I able to fall in love with photography because I was able to fall in love with me.
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